I’ve been really down, sad even, the last few days and tried hard to put my finger on why. I fell asleep last night thinking and praying about it and I am pretty sure I woke up with it figured out. I am battle fatigued.
I’ve spent the last year fighting so many battles. Some were thrust upon me and others I created myself. Some were small and petty and others were big and important. A few I needed to fight and others I probably should have let go. No matter the situation though, I’ve been through the ringer and it finally caught up.
About a year ago I went through a horrible time with the church we were attending and serving at. It was a very low point for my family and especially me. It kicked off a period in my life that made me much more confrontational than I normally am. And that is saying something. Those who know me well are chuckling right now. It’s ok, I am too.
Three months ago we buried my unborn son and that was a battle I couldn’t win and did not want to fight. Our family and friends stepped up big time for us and got us through, but the effects lingered in the background and recently I’ve thought more about it as friends have either become pregnant or had babies. And while I have no hard feelings towards them (obviously) and it is not their fault, I still have to deal with it and the fight against the sadness that has returned.
What has happened though through these two very traumatic events is that it has magnified the bad things about everything else, no matter how small. When things come up with work, the family, or with friends, my first reaction is to get on top of the situation, gear up, and go to battle. Friends, that is no way to live. It leads to mental fatigue which in turn leads to self doubt and finally into sadness.
If I can offer any advice to you through my own experience it is this: choose your battles wisely. Not only that, fight them fairly. Confrontation can be a very normal and positive thing, but knowing when to fight and fighting fairly are not negotiable. If you must be an antagonist do it with the best of intentions. Be humble and be true. Never be vengeful or punitive. If you are, you can lose a piece of yourself. In my case it is the piece that gives me my confidence. Once that is gone, I have no fight left when then sadness takes its place.
I am grateful for so many people who love me in spite of myself. It’s that love that always brings me back. No matter how strong we are or seem we are, the human condition still allows some room to be fragile. It’s those thin places in our lives where we need others to span the gaps and seal the cracks. So for all of you who play the role of bridge and putty in my life, I am eternally thankful.